Birds eye view!!! FUNNY!
Jun 2, 2005, 09:01 AM
#16
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Originally Posted by ibanez_926
hahah
a bird pooped on my head standing in line for raging bull at 6 flags
I once had a bird fly thru my passenger side window and out the drivers side sitting a a traffic light.
I almost sh*t my pants on that one it was quite scary
a bird pooped on my head standing in line for raging bull at 6 flags
I once had a bird fly thru my passenger side window and out the drivers side sitting a a traffic light.
I almost sh*t my pants on that one it was quite scary
Man that so crazy when stuff like that happens.!
Jun 2, 2005, 09:05 AM
#17
LOL.. those stories are so funny. I always close my sunroof whenever I park because I'm afraid a bird will poop on me.. thats why I can't stand how people can leave their $90k Mercedes SLK500 top down in a parking lot. haha. I dodged a deer that was dead in the middle of the road yesterday. It was like 2am and pitch black, no street lights in the country. I got like 30feet away from it going 55+mph and I swerved like an F1 car to avoid it.. lol it was scurrry.
My brother was doing a video shoot in his car (04 Ralliart --evom name: CF-ninja) and he was driving around this public park place.. then he saw a sea-gull and u could hear his engine rev up and then a thud.. lol. He sped up and the bird nailed his front bumper when it went to take off.. then you could hear everyone in the car start dying laughing. I gatta see if I can find the video, I think he has it at school.
And 1 more story, lol. I was on the way to my 8th b-day party and my dad was driving his pickup truck with me and my friends to Chuck-E-Cheezes. We were on a main road doing about 50mph, and a dog and cat ran out in front of us chasing each other.. my dad hit both of them at the same time, one with each wheel. ROFL, all the little kids started crying as we were going to my b-day party. LMFAO!!
My brother was doing a video shoot in his car (04 Ralliart --evom name: CF-ninja) and he was driving around this public park place.. then he saw a sea-gull and u could hear his engine rev up and then a thud.. lol. He sped up and the bird nailed his front bumper when it went to take off.. then you could hear everyone in the car start dying laughing. I gatta see if I can find the video, I think he has it at school.
And 1 more story, lol. I was on the way to my 8th b-day party and my dad was driving his pickup truck with me and my friends to Chuck-E-Cheezes. We were on a main road doing about 50mph, and a dog and cat ran out in front of us chasing each other.. my dad hit both of them at the same time, one with each wheel. ROFL, all the little kids started crying as we were going to my b-day party. LMFAO!!
Jun 2, 2005, 09:14 AM
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My friend way back in Junior High was eating one of the french bread pizza things, and a bird took a dump right on the end of his pizza. He was so pissed that he threw the pizza stick on the ground and stomped it into oblivion. I have rarely laughed that hard since the incident.
Jun 2, 2005, 09:15 AM
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Lmao!
Originally Posted by ibanez_926
I once had a bird fly thru my passenger side window and out the drivers side sitting a a traffic light.
I almost sh*t my pants on that one it was quite scary
That frickin ownes. I want that to happen to me just so I could tell people about it.
Jun 2, 2005, 09:24 AM
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OK, you have to read this thread... I read it at work and I was crying it was sooooooooooooo funny. This story ownes all
Link:
https://www.evolutionm.net/forums/sh...light=cut+hair
Story:
Dont save that hair!!! Mar 31, 2005, 03:01 PM #1
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Don't Save That Hair!!!
I have recently made a mistake in my life, and I offer my story to alt.tasteless, that you may learn from my error. It all started, as many things do, with me having trouble sh_ting.
No, I was not constipated; this was not a regularity problem but a matter of technique. It seems my ***-hair had grown to such a length that tiny grogans were constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my asscheeks. It led to much frustration, with me KNOWING that I still had something to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from its butthair dwelling. Eventually I would have to do two things: either reach down with some paper and try to pinch off the lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all over my rear, especially since I had no way of seeing what I was doing) or just go for broke, start wiping, and hope that I could remove all the leftover fecal matter before the toilet paper reached its Can't-Be-Flushed threshold.
I was contemplating this problem, when I had what seemed at the time to be a bright idea. "Hey! This is my butt and my butt-hair, right? So why don't I just eliminate all the hair, and then my grogans will flow out like beer from a keg!" I said to myself. It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other regretted statements. "How many Indians could there be?" said by General Custer. "Looks like a good day for a drive!" by JFK. "There! America On-Line now has complete Usenet access!" by some idiot system tech. Such was my **** shaving idea.
I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and a towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my *** of hair. Occassionally, I would have to clean the razor of accumulated hair and miscellaneous slime, which I did by wiping it on the towel. Slowly, my twin mounds and the between-ravine began to resemble the hairless cheeks of a newborn baby. Finally, I wiped the razor one last time, and surveyed my work. The towel was covered with a pile of hair. My *** was smooth as ivory. I smiled, satisfied, thinking my troubles were over.
Little did I know.
I now have a great respect for ****-hair. Like everything in this world God created, it has its mighty purpose in existence. It was only after I had removed it that I started to learn how much I had been taking it for granted. For one, it provides friction. I learned this the next day, when I walked out into the sun heading for class. After climbing two flights of stairs and starting to sweat, I started to notice something unpleasant. The sweat was accumulating in my crack, and was causing the unpleasant sensation of my two asscheeks sliding past each other with every step. I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off, but had to get to class. Eventually, I thought, it would dry.
Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after mingling with the microscopic sh_t- molecules lingering around my brown starfish. When I stood up after class, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky sh_t/sweat combination. As I made my way back to my dorm, it started to itch. God-DAMN, did it itch! Felt like a swarm of ants was making its way up and down my crack. Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down there and scratching away, I rushed back to the dorm.
Unfortunately again, this exertion caused me to sweat, and when I finally reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against each other like a pair of horny cane-toads. I quickly dropped my pants, and attempted to dry my *** off by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks. As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free and filled the room. Every dog within a 4 block radius started to howl. I had it worst of all, as the ripe aroma of festering sh_t/sweat went into the fan and blew back into my face. I fought to keep from heaving. And as I sat there, fighting vomit, my *** cheeks spread and dripping, with the concentrated aroma of my body odor mixed with the tangy smell of my own sh_t blowing right into my face, I had only one thought: "It will be like this until the hair grows back. Weeks."
Later on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping my *** at every opportunity, I discovered another wonderful use for ***-hair - ventilation. I attempted to launch a fart, only to have it get stuck between my asscheeks. Apparently, with no hair, the two pink twins can get vacuum sealed together, and the result was a frustrating fart that slid up and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil.
As if that wasn't enough, I am now enduring further torture. As anyone who has ever shaved anything knows, when hair is first growing in, it comes in as stubble. Imagine your *** having the texture of a brillo pad. Well, that is what I am dealing with now. It is a hellish torture, and there are many times when I just look out the window and contemplate why I shouldn't just jump out and get it all over with in one fleshy splat, rather than endure this constant agony.
Friends, DON'T SHAVE YOUR ***-HAIR!
Link:
https://www.evolutionm.net/forums/sh...light=cut+hair
Story:
Dont save that hair!!! Mar 31, 2005, 03:01 PM #1
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Don't Save That Hair!!!
I have recently made a mistake in my life, and I offer my story to alt.tasteless, that you may learn from my error. It all started, as many things do, with me having trouble sh_ting.
No, I was not constipated; this was not a regularity problem but a matter of technique. It seems my ***-hair had grown to such a length that tiny grogans were constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my asscheeks. It led to much frustration, with me KNOWING that I still had something to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from its butthair dwelling. Eventually I would have to do two things: either reach down with some paper and try to pinch off the lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all over my rear, especially since I had no way of seeing what I was doing) or just go for broke, start wiping, and hope that I could remove all the leftover fecal matter before the toilet paper reached its Can't-Be-Flushed threshold.
I was contemplating this problem, when I had what seemed at the time to be a bright idea. "Hey! This is my butt and my butt-hair, right? So why don't I just eliminate all the hair, and then my grogans will flow out like beer from a keg!" I said to myself. It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other regretted statements. "How many Indians could there be?" said by General Custer. "Looks like a good day for a drive!" by JFK. "There! America On-Line now has complete Usenet access!" by some idiot system tech. Such was my **** shaving idea.
I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and a towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my *** of hair. Occassionally, I would have to clean the razor of accumulated hair and miscellaneous slime, which I did by wiping it on the towel. Slowly, my twin mounds and the between-ravine began to resemble the hairless cheeks of a newborn baby. Finally, I wiped the razor one last time, and surveyed my work. The towel was covered with a pile of hair. My *** was smooth as ivory. I smiled, satisfied, thinking my troubles were over.
Little did I know.
I now have a great respect for ****-hair. Like everything in this world God created, it has its mighty purpose in existence. It was only after I had removed it that I started to learn how much I had been taking it for granted. For one, it provides friction. I learned this the next day, when I walked out into the sun heading for class. After climbing two flights of stairs and starting to sweat, I started to notice something unpleasant. The sweat was accumulating in my crack, and was causing the unpleasant sensation of my two asscheeks sliding past each other with every step. I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off, but had to get to class. Eventually, I thought, it would dry.
Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after mingling with the microscopic sh_t- molecules lingering around my brown starfish. When I stood up after class, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky sh_t/sweat combination. As I made my way back to my dorm, it started to itch. God-DAMN, did it itch! Felt like a swarm of ants was making its way up and down my crack. Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down there and scratching away, I rushed back to the dorm.
Unfortunately again, this exertion caused me to sweat, and when I finally reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against each other like a pair of horny cane-toads. I quickly dropped my pants, and attempted to dry my *** off by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks. As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free and filled the room. Every dog within a 4 block radius started to howl. I had it worst of all, as the ripe aroma of festering sh_t/sweat went into the fan and blew back into my face. I fought to keep from heaving. And as I sat there, fighting vomit, my *** cheeks spread and dripping, with the concentrated aroma of my body odor mixed with the tangy smell of my own sh_t blowing right into my face, I had only one thought: "It will be like this until the hair grows back. Weeks."
Later on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping my *** at every opportunity, I discovered another wonderful use for ***-hair - ventilation. I attempted to launch a fart, only to have it get stuck between my asscheeks. Apparently, with no hair, the two pink twins can get vacuum sealed together, and the result was a frustrating fart that slid up and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil.
As if that wasn't enough, I am now enduring further torture. As anyone who has ever shaved anything knows, when hair is first growing in, it comes in as stubble. Imagine your *** having the texture of a brillo pad. Well, that is what I am dealing with now. It is a hellish torture, and there are many times when I just look out the window and contemplate why I shouldn't just jump out and get it all over with in one fleshy splat, rather than endure this constant agony.
Friends, DON'T SHAVE YOUR ***-HAIR!
Jun 2, 2005, 09:36 AM
#22
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hmmm athe moment i can only think of when i was riding on my seadoo jetski upnorth, saw a pack of seagulls infront of me. All of them flew away once they heard the ski, but one didnt until the last second. He hit the front of the jetski, hit the mirror, then came up and hit me in the face. It was f*ckin crazy, never gotten a seagull to the face before, haha. One of his wings was a LIL messed up after that
Another time i can think of is when i was meeting with my boss at the Milwaukee Country club in riverhills. He has a ferrari 360 spider convertible. When we finished up having come lunch, he said he wanted to check out he evo (right after i got it). We proceeded to the parking lot, and my boss immediately started screaming. I look at his car and there are about 5 or 6 birds sitting on the warm leather of his ferrari (top down). He got them to fly away, but not before they left 3 big sh|t piles. He was SO pissed that he immediately wiped it off and drove directly to a portering service (talk abt being ****).
Another time i can think of is when i was meeting with my boss at the Milwaukee Country club in riverhills. He has a ferrari 360 spider convertible. When we finished up having come lunch, he said he wanted to check out he evo (right after i got it). We proceeded to the parking lot, and my boss immediately started screaming. I look at his car and there are about 5 or 6 birds sitting on the warm leather of his ferrari (top down). He got them to fly away, but not before they left 3 big sh|t piles. He was SO pissed that he immediately wiped it off and drove directly to a portering service (talk abt being ****).
Last edited by RED DEMON; Jun 2, 2005 at 09:47 AM.
Jun 2, 2005, 09:45 AM
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Originally Posted by patsevo8
I hit a cat (by accident) a couple years back and saw it fly up in the air in my rear view so I pulled over to check it out.
Well, I walk back to where I thought the collision occured and I found nothing. I figured that it ran off and died somewhere else.
I go back to my car and checking things over and saw blood on the pass. front bumper and some fuzz. I continue my search and look under the suspension and find more fuzz and blood. I grab a towel that I keep on hand in my trunk and walk back to clean off my bumper and suspension and as I crawl under my suspension the f----- cat jumps out from the suspension and scares the f------ **** out of me.
Well, I walk back to where I thought the collision occured and I found nothing. I figured that it ran off and died somewhere else.
I go back to my car and checking things over and saw blood on the pass. front bumper and some fuzz. I continue my search and look under the suspension and find more fuzz and blood. I grab a towel that I keep on hand in my trunk and walk back to clean off my bumper and suspension and as I crawl under my suspension the f----- cat jumps out from the suspension and scares the f------ **** out of me.
Jun 2, 2005, 09:53 AM
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wow that's just wrong. As for the bird stroies, I was driving down the interstate one day and all of a sudden my girlfriend (who is riding in the passenger seat) screams as I hear a thud! I look over and don't see anything, but see a feathers and a spinning bird body in my rear view mirror. The damn thing flew into my side window!!
Jun 2, 2005, 10:12 AM
#27
I was driving out in the country when a cat ran out in front of me. I hit the brakes and steered to go behind it, but cats and other animals tend to back track to avoid capture so I ended up hitting it and sending it into the ditch.
I went over to check on the cat and I said to it, "Are you dead?" I jumped out of my skin when I heard, "I think so."
It turned out that a farmer had walked up behind me and spoken, not the cat.
Once when I was snowmobiling I hit a very large bird (turkey?) and it was like somebody was having a pillow fight, there were feathers flying everywhere.
I went over to check on the cat and I said to it, "Are you dead?" I jumped out of my skin when I heard, "I think so."
It turned out that a farmer had walked up behind me and spoken, not the cat.
Once when I was snowmobiling I hit a very large bird (turkey?) and it was like somebody was having a pillow fight, there were feathers flying everywhere.
Jun 2, 2005, 10:16 AM
#28
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Originally Posted by PGDlancer
wow that's just wrong. As for the bird stroies, I was driving down the interstate one day and all of a sudden my girlfriend (who is riding in the passenger seat) screams as I hear a thud! I look over and don't see anything, but see a feathers and a spinning bird body in my rear view mirror. The damn thing flew into my side window!!
lol U'r Avitar and story combo make it funny lol
Jun 2, 2005, 12:24 PM
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My wife and I were in Atlanta and we drove north to visit a friend of hers in the burbs. She lived damn near in the forest. My wife's friend said she loves all the "little Georgia animals" and how they are so cute.
We left her house after dark. I came over a hill and there was a cat in the middle of the street. The cat looked up slowly with these little cute eyes and then CLUNK CLUNK I hit it with both tires. One less little Georgia animal.
I wasn't speeding (rental car, not Evo) and I didn't see it until the last minute. I felt bad because I am sure it belonged to some little girl. Oh well
We left her house after dark. I came over a hill and there was a cat in the middle of the street. The cat looked up slowly with these little cute eyes and then CLUNK CLUNK I hit it with both tires. One less little Georgia animal.
I wasn't speeding (rental car, not Evo) and I didn't see it until the last minute. I felt bad because I am sure it belonged to some little girl. Oh well