{Off Topic/Long} Chuck Norris
Dec 4, 2006, 07:10 AM
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{Off Topic/Long} Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris has 2 speeds, Walk and Kill.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.
Chuck Norris' urine is bottled and sold as an energy drink. We know it as Red Bull.
Chuck Norris died 10 years ago, the Grim Reaper is just too afraid to tell him.
Chuck Norris doesn't tea bag the ladies, he potato sacks them.
When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it's not because he's gay, it's because he ran out of women.
Chuck Norris can make a Woman climax simply by pointing his finger at her and saying "Booyah!"
Chuck Norris isn't hung like a horse; horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
A blind man accidentally stepped on Chuck Norris's foot, he then yelled at the man, "What are you doing, don’t you know that I am Chuck Norris", the mention of his name miraculously cured the man's blindness, sadly the first, last, and only thing the man ever saw was the Chuck Norris roundhouse kick that killed him.
Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his Dad did.
Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now called the Islands.
Scientists have determined that the amount of energy released during the Big Bang is equal to 1 CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)
If Chuck Norris is running late, then time had better slow the hell down!
An episode of Walker, Texas Ranger once aired in France. The French surrendered just to be on the safe side.
Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer; it's too bad he doesn't cry.
The total gym only works for Chuck Norris because his muscles are 50 xs denser than that of a regular human being
Google won’t search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don’t find Chuck Norris, he finds you.
The dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once.....
A bear growled at Chuck Norris and when Chuck Norris raised his fist the bear began to eat himself deciding that it was a less painful way to die...
Chuck Norris is suing Myspace.com for stealing the name of what he refers to as every thing around him.
chuck Norris once thought he tasted his own blood,
he was so infuriated that he round house kicked don king so hard his hair is scared to get close to his face,
he later realized he had accidentally swolled van dame
Chuck Norris and Mr. T once walked into a bar together. The building was instantly destroyed as that level of awesomeness simply cannot be contained.
Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky
The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it prolonged beards rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
Time waits for no man unless that man is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris has counted to infinity twice.
There is no theory of "survival of the fittest". There are only animals that Chuck Norris has chosen to let live, for now any way.
Saddam dug his spider hole to hide from Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris once built a time machine and traveled back in time to the JFK assassination. Chuck Norris jumped in front of the bullets and they deflected off of him. JFK's head exploded out of sure amazement.
When Chuck Norris does push-ups, he doesn’t raise his body up, he pushed the earth down.
Chuck Norris doesn’t use pick up lines, he simply looks at a woman and says "NOW".
The real reason no pictures are allowed of Mohammed is because he told Chuck Norris Allah was the only god, prompting Chuck to roundhouse kick him so hard that his face ripped off and now Chuck uses it for a door mat.
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wiseman, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.
At night the boogie man checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane by pointing his finger and shouting BANG.
Chuck Norris holds every record in the world; the Guinness Book of World Records published everyone who came in second.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.
Chuck Norris' urine is bottled and sold as an energy drink. We know it as Red Bull.
Chuck Norris died 10 years ago, the Grim Reaper is just too afraid to tell him.
Chuck Norris doesn't tea bag the ladies, he potato sacks them.
When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it's not because he's gay, it's because he ran out of women.
Chuck Norris can make a Woman climax simply by pointing his finger at her and saying "Booyah!"
Chuck Norris isn't hung like a horse; horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
A blind man accidentally stepped on Chuck Norris's foot, he then yelled at the man, "What are you doing, don’t you know that I am Chuck Norris", the mention of his name miraculously cured the man's blindness, sadly the first, last, and only thing the man ever saw was the Chuck Norris roundhouse kick that killed him.
Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his Dad did.
Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now called the Islands.
Scientists have determined that the amount of energy released during the Big Bang is equal to 1 CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)
If Chuck Norris is running late, then time had better slow the hell down!
An episode of Walker, Texas Ranger once aired in France. The French surrendered just to be on the safe side.
Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer; it's too bad he doesn't cry.
The total gym only works for Chuck Norris because his muscles are 50 xs denser than that of a regular human being
Google won’t search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don’t find Chuck Norris, he finds you.
The dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once.....
A bear growled at Chuck Norris and when Chuck Norris raised his fist the bear began to eat himself deciding that it was a less painful way to die...
Chuck Norris is suing Myspace.com for stealing the name of what he refers to as every thing around him.
chuck Norris once thought he tasted his own blood,
he was so infuriated that he round house kicked don king so hard his hair is scared to get close to his face,
he later realized he had accidentally swolled van dame
Chuck Norris and Mr. T once walked into a bar together. The building was instantly destroyed as that level of awesomeness simply cannot be contained.
Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky
The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it prolonged beards rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
Time waits for no man unless that man is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris has counted to infinity twice.
There is no theory of "survival of the fittest". There are only animals that Chuck Norris has chosen to let live, for now any way.
Saddam dug his spider hole to hide from Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris once built a time machine and traveled back in time to the JFK assassination. Chuck Norris jumped in front of the bullets and they deflected off of him. JFK's head exploded out of sure amazement.
When Chuck Norris does push-ups, he doesn’t raise his body up, he pushed the earth down.
Chuck Norris doesn’t use pick up lines, he simply looks at a woman and says "NOW".
The real reason no pictures are allowed of Mohammed is because he told Chuck Norris Allah was the only god, prompting Chuck to roundhouse kick him so hard that his face ripped off and now Chuck uses it for a door mat.
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wiseman, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.
At night the boogie man checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane by pointing his finger and shouting BANG.
Chuck Norris holds every record in the world; the Guinness Book of World Records published everyone who came in second.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer
Dec 4, 2006, 07:11 AM
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only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
After Chuck Norris is done working out, the total gym feels like its been raped.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
Chuck Norris can speak Braille.
Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
Chuck Norris once ate a whole bottle of sleeping pills. It made him blink. Once.
Most people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
Chuck Norris isn't afraid of the dark. The dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
If Chuck Norris falls in a lake, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. The lake gets Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked Albert Einstein in the face. We know him today as Steven Hawking.
Chuck Norris doesn't like Sarah Lee.
Time waits for no man, unless that man is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 ounce steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with the waitress.
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
There is no chin under Chuck Norris' beard, only another fist!
Chuck Norris challenged Lance Armstrong to a "Who has more *********" competition. Chuck won by 5.
You can re-arrange the letters in "Vin Diesel" to spell "I end lives" which is cool. But you can re-arrange the letters in "Chuck Norris" to spell "Chuck Norris" which means the same thing.
There is no number on Chuck Norris' watch. It just says' "Time to Kick ***!"
Chuck Norris was so angry when a McDonalds refused to serve him an Egg McMuffin at 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the restaurant to hard it became a Wendy's
? When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
? Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
If tapped the power of one of Chuck Norris' roundhouse kicks could power the country of China for 37hrs and 25 min. If tapped....
Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack couldn't avoid a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
The chief export of Chick Norris is Pain.
The only thing Mr. T, Vin Diesel, and Chuck Norris can agree on is that Tom Cruise is a *****.
Chuck Norris was the FBI's chief hostage negotiator. His job was to call the criminals and say, "This is Chuck Norris."
Chuck Norris has only 1 hand, the upper hand.
Chuck Norris did that to Michael Jackson's face.
Chuck Norris once kicked a man in the soul.
Chuck Norris is the only person that can kick you in the back of your face.
Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. It has nothing to with him being Native American; he owns a jeep.
Most men are alright with their wives fantazing about Chuck Norris during sex because they are too.
Chuck Norris action figures have slept with more women than most men.
The final digit of Pi is Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris is the end of all things.
Chuck Norris has through out history, Pulled Gate guard on the Garden of Eden. Was the road guard at the parting of the red sea? Had an affair with Mary. Headcount at the last supper. Caused the walls of Jericho to fall after eating the first burrito. Created Texas, Trucks, and 10 gallon hats before man settled in America in that order.
Devinci died because he received a round house kick to the face after Chuck found out who was stealing his artwork.
Chuck Norris didn't join the marines, the marines joined Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is the original James Bond. "My name is Chuck, Chuck Norris."
Chuck Norris caused Mt Saint Helens to exploded by squeezing it like a zit.
When Chuck Norris does jumping jacks, California gets earth quakes.
Chuck Norris uses a live rattlesnake for a condom.
Gel hand sanitizer kills 99% of all germs... Chuck Norris kills everything
The video game Doom was loosely based on the time that the Devil borrowed 12 bucks from Chuck Norris and forgot to pay him back.
THE CHUCK NORRIS ROUNDHOUSE KICK CDE CLEARENCE: 500 meters- certain death 800 meters-death 1000 meters- wish they were dead
DO U KNOW THE REAL REASON WALDOS HIDING ITS CAUSE HE OWES CHUCK NORRIS MONEY
Chuck Norris must have a concealed weapon license in most states to legally wear pants.
Chuck Norris doesn't actually own a house. He just walks into random houses and people move.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
After Chuck Norris is done working out, the total gym feels like its been raped.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
Chuck Norris can speak Braille.
Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
Chuck Norris once ate a whole bottle of sleeping pills. It made him blink. Once.
Most people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
Chuck Norris isn't afraid of the dark. The dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
If Chuck Norris falls in a lake, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. The lake gets Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked Albert Einstein in the face. We know him today as Steven Hawking.
Chuck Norris doesn't like Sarah Lee.
Time waits for no man, unless that man is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 ounce steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with the waitress.
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
There is no chin under Chuck Norris' beard, only another fist!
Chuck Norris challenged Lance Armstrong to a "Who has more *********" competition. Chuck won by 5.
You can re-arrange the letters in "Vin Diesel" to spell "I end lives" which is cool. But you can re-arrange the letters in "Chuck Norris" to spell "Chuck Norris" which means the same thing.
There is no number on Chuck Norris' watch. It just says' "Time to Kick ***!"
Chuck Norris was so angry when a McDonalds refused to serve him an Egg McMuffin at 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the restaurant to hard it became a Wendy's
? When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
? Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
If tapped the power of one of Chuck Norris' roundhouse kicks could power the country of China for 37hrs and 25 min. If tapped....
Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack couldn't avoid a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
The chief export of Chick Norris is Pain.
The only thing Mr. T, Vin Diesel, and Chuck Norris can agree on is that Tom Cruise is a *****.
Chuck Norris was the FBI's chief hostage negotiator. His job was to call the criminals and say, "This is Chuck Norris."
Chuck Norris has only 1 hand, the upper hand.
Chuck Norris did that to Michael Jackson's face.
Chuck Norris once kicked a man in the soul.
Chuck Norris is the only person that can kick you in the back of your face.
Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. It has nothing to with him being Native American; he owns a jeep.
Most men are alright with their wives fantazing about Chuck Norris during sex because they are too.
Chuck Norris action figures have slept with more women than most men.
The final digit of Pi is Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris is the end of all things.
Chuck Norris has through out history, Pulled Gate guard on the Garden of Eden. Was the road guard at the parting of the red sea? Had an affair with Mary. Headcount at the last supper. Caused the walls of Jericho to fall after eating the first burrito. Created Texas, Trucks, and 10 gallon hats before man settled in America in that order.
Devinci died because he received a round house kick to the face after Chuck found out who was stealing his artwork.
Chuck Norris didn't join the marines, the marines joined Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is the original James Bond. "My name is Chuck, Chuck Norris."
Chuck Norris caused Mt Saint Helens to exploded by squeezing it like a zit.
When Chuck Norris does jumping jacks, California gets earth quakes.
Chuck Norris uses a live rattlesnake for a condom.
Gel hand sanitizer kills 99% of all germs... Chuck Norris kills everything
The video game Doom was loosely based on the time that the Devil borrowed 12 bucks from Chuck Norris and forgot to pay him back.
THE CHUCK NORRIS ROUNDHOUSE KICK CDE CLEARENCE: 500 meters- certain death 800 meters-death 1000 meters- wish they were dead
DO U KNOW THE REAL REASON WALDOS HIDING ITS CAUSE HE OWES CHUCK NORRIS MONEY
Chuck Norris must have a concealed weapon license in most states to legally wear pants.
Chuck Norris doesn't actually own a house. He just walks into random houses and people move.
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This was one of my favorites! Thanks for the post up!
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