BlueEvo61106

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine." His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine." Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. "No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."

BlueEvo61106

A lady walks into a Lexus dealership. She browses around, then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up
right now. As she turns back, there standing next to her, is a salesman. "Good
day, Madame. How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?" He answers, "Madame, if you farted just touching it, you are going to **** when you hear the price."

BlueEvo61106

Farmer John had just walked into the local watering hole, when who should he see, but his old friend Chris the tractor salesman sitting up at the bar. Chris looked so down and dejected, that John just had to go up and say something to him.
"Say, Chris, how ya doing? How's the tractor selling business these days?" If Chris had looked sad before, at the mention of tractor sales, his face sank even more, and a tear came to his eye. "John," he said, shaking his head, "I don't know what it is. I can't sell a tractor these days to save my life. I'll tell you, I just gotta sell one tractor and soon, or else I'll lose that dealership for good." "Well," John said, taking the barstool next to him, "If you think you got it bad, I got it worse. Now you listen to this. I went out to the barn the other morning to milk Bessy. That ol' cow gets more ornery as the years go by. Anyway, no sooner did I sit down on the milking stool and get to work, but ol' Bes starts a slappin' me with her tail. After
a minute or so, I got fed up with it, so I threw a rope up over the rafters, and tied ol' Bessy's tail to the rafters. Then I got back to work. I didn't even get two squirts into the bucket, when Bes gives me a kick. Knocked me clean off the stool! Boy, did that upset me! So I get me another rope an' tie Bessy's right hind leg to the side of the milking stall, and get a started trying to milk her again. Well by this time, Bessy's about livid, and she doesn't want any part of it, so she let's me have it with her other hind leg. I wasn't about to give in to this ol' cow, so I got me yet another piece of rope and tied up Bessy's left leg to the other side of the stall." Just then John paused to take a sip his beer. Chris, distracted for a moment from his own troubles, asked John, "Well, did you finally get to milk her?" "Well, yes and no, Chris. But I'll tell ya what, if you can convince my wife that I was out there to MILK that cow, I'll BUY a tractor from ya!"

BlueEvo61106

What's the similarity between a woman and KFC?

Once you're finished with the breasts and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

BlueEvo61106

How do you get an emo out of a tree?

Cut the rope.

BlueEvo61106

A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a nudist beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had bigger ***** than his mother, so he asked her why.

She told her son, "The bigger they are, the dumber the person is."
The boy pleased with the answer and goes to play in the ocean, but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger units than his dad.

His mother replied, "The bigger they are, the dumber the person is."
Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play.

Shortly after, the boy returned again.
He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he talks to her, the dumber he gets."

AZ EVO IX MR

iTrader: (10)

The economy is worse than divorce now days.

I lost most my money and i still have my wife.

BlueEvo61106

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son say, "All of you sons of *****es who want off, get the hell off now! And all of you sons of *****es who are getting on, get your asses on the train ... 'cause we're going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train set ... but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train set. Soon, the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "To all passengers, I hope you've had a pleasant trip and you will ride with us again soon."

She heard her little darling continue, "For those of you just boarding, remember there is no smoking on the train. I hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "And for those of you who are totally pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the ***** in the kitchen."

EVIL MR

iTrader: (5)

Love to catch that CAN!!

J8dailo

iTrader: (33)

this is isn't really racist but gets me everytime..

A plane crashed and only three people survice and they are stranded on a island. There is an American, a German and a Chinese. The American gathered everyone together and said we need to gather some 'Supplies' and built a boat to leave this place. So everyone left looking for supplies to built a boat. The American and the German both came back with some supplies but the chinese guy was nowhere to be found. Then the american guy asked, where is the chinese guy?? Then all the sudden the chinese guy jumps out of the bush and yells "SUPPLIES!!"..

lol

evokel

iTrader: (10)

whats the difference between our government and a mafia?

ones more organized

downforceinc

An 80 year old man goes to his doctor's office and says " I need four pills of Viagra. RIGHT NOW!!!"

The doctor, puzzled, asks " Why on earth would you need four pills of Viagra?"

The man exclaims that " My wife is leaving tomorrow, my girlfriend is coming over the day after, my other girlfriend comes over the day after that, and my wife comes home on the fourth day"

The doctor replies " So I know you didn't ****ing kill yourself, come back and see me on the fifth day. That way I know you haven't died "

So the doctor writes the prescription, gets him the pills, and the old man goes on his merry way.

On the fifth day, the old man comes back to see the doctor, wearing a sling on his right arm.

The doctor, shocked, says "What the blue **** happened to you!?"

The old man replies......

"No one came over."

BossEvoVIII

iTrader: (2)

Hope I win lol........

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

dustin03

iTrader: (54)

A man is walking by an insane asylum and hears all the residents chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"
Quite curious about all this, he finds a hole in the fence, looks in and someone pokes him in the eye.
Everyone in the asylum starts chanting "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"

dustin03

iTrader: (54)

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."